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We’ve got two days left. Two days until all of your plans are completely ruined. Two days until everything you care about is gone. Two days left until the end of the world. So, what are you going to do about it?
Create An End Of The World Budget, Of Course!
You know me, with all this talk about everything being completely obliterated, all I can think about is “how would I budget for this?” Because, as always, even if everything is ending, having a plan is much better than having no plan. So I put together a plan for what you should do with your money to prepare for the end of the world.
Convert Everything To Cash!
You Roth IRA, your work 401k, your house, cars, boat, Justin Bieber bobble-head doll collection, any asset that you have must be converted to cash immediately! Yes, I know this seems counter-intuitive to all you “survivalist” types out there, but it’s the best option. Why? Because the end of the world means everything is done. All at once. So your guns and supplies don’t really matter, because you won’t make it. Sorry to burst your Kevlar bubble.
You need something that has buying power right now, and this means you need tons of CASH! “But Jake, what the heck am I going to buy?” Good question. Answer = EVERYTHING! Why not? You’ve got two days to go out and buy everything you ever wanted to buy, but didn’t because you were wisely planning for the future. Since none of that matters now, you should go out and purchase a Ferrari F620 GT immediately! Don’t have that kind of cash? No worries. You can still get a Yugo or something. You should also convert at least $1,000 to $1 bills and throw it all up in the air in the mall food court. Trust me.
Go Places And See Stuff!
Never seen the Grand Canyon? Better commandeer a private jet on down there and check it out for 5 minutes. Heck, just rent the jet for the day and hit 4 or 5 places that you’ve always wanted to see. Statue of Liberty, Stonehenge, Eiffel Tower, the world’s largest Gummy Worm! Make sure to just enjoy the view, because at this point, pictures are worthless.
Sure, there’s going to be a $200,000 fuel surcharge, but who cares. If the pilot won’t accept your credit cards and you are a little short on cash, I’m sure he won’t mind if you write up some I.O.U.’s (think, “Dumb and Dumber” style!). I mean, technically, you’re going to be insolvent (dissolvent?) in a few days anyway, so who cares!
“Borrow” As Much Money As Possible!
All the rage these days is to “get out of debt” and “pay off your loans” and “build your net worth.” I say it’s all HOGWASH! You’ve got two days left and there will be no phones left for collectors to call you about your defaulted credit cards. Might as well sign up for as many credit cards as possible, take out thousands in payday loans and make sure you max it ALL out within the next 24 hours! You don’t want to leave any avenue untapped, just make sure you extend yourself financially as far as possible, because if no one else is going to enjoy this money, you might as well.
And don’t forget to borrow from rich friends, family, co-workers, your boss’s, people you just met, EVERYONE! Once you’ve tapped all the credit you possibly can, other people you know (or don’t) are the most readily reliable source of income, and since you need it now, just start asking. A simple mass-email to everyone you have had contact with over the last 20 years should do. Just make sure you put EVERYONE on the BCC line so they see it as an individual request 🙂
And reach out to rich celebrities and the like using their Twitter handle. Give them your PayPal address and just ask them to wire you the money immediately. Even if you hit 1,000 celebrities and only four bite, that could be a huge load of cash in your account by tonight!
How Are You Going To Spend The Last Two Days On Earth?
How are you going to spend your time and money in the last 48 hours? Do you have plans to sell everything and go crazy?! Are you going to party like it’s 1999? Or maybe you’re just too conservative and will just re-balance your portfolio, pre-pay your bills and make a nice batch of iced tea. Whatever the case, just make sure you do one thing; listen to Journey. Mostly because they are one of the greatest bands of all time.
So, from all of us (just me, I guess) here at iHeartBudgets, it’s been nice knowing you. If you can’t think of what to do with your cash, just shoot me an email and I’ll give you my paypal address 😉
Where’s the budget, you ask? Don’t worry, I’ll make it for you in 72 hours…
Disclaimer: If you don’t get sarcasm, then don’t read this post. Oh wait….